The Shocking Truth: I Was ACE All Along!

This is the story about how I finally came to the undeniable conclusion that I was ace. I know I know, it was a shock to me too. It's Valentines day, and I like to celebrate this day as my Ace discovery day. I didn't discover I was ace on the 14th of February, I just never liked to celebrate valentines day until the year I found out I was ace!  I thought I had a pretty common childhood, well for the undiagnosed autism kind that I was. 

The things that made it hard for me to know I was ace was a combination of not knowing the LGBTQ community or that I was actually apart of it, not knowing my own mental illnesses, and the fact that "sex sells" was a constant in the media. This lack of awareness led me to question my identity and struggle with self-acceptance.

Media in the 90's and early 2000's were all about sex. sex was everywhere! The largest film when I was a Teen was the 1997 'Titanic' due to that specific scene.... the one with the car and the foggy window and the hand... that one.

It's fascinating to think about how much detail and research went into creating a movie like Titanic. The historical accuracy mixed with the fictional storylines really made it a standout film of its time. Everyone around me was captivated by Jack and Rose, the fictional main characters in the story. I, however, was fixated on the real history of the Titanic (ope, there's that autism again). The movie had a rich history and theories on how the Titanic sank-

The point is, the media at the time pushed sex into our little kid brains from a very early age. Brittany spears, Adam Sandler movies, American Beauty, Jewelry and chocolate commercials, etc... it was everywhere. My brain, like many autists, keeps these scenes in my head, making me think my personality came from them. Not calling Brittany Spears a villain, she was a victim of media. She was 16, How was she supposed to know?

Regarding mental health, I was unaware of my chronic anxiety or the learning disability Autism as I grew up. I was familiar with ADHD, but it wasn't a common topic. Another experience I had was with Limerence. My definition of Limerence- when you think you're falling in love or having sexy, lovey feelings, it's just the chemicals in your brain going nuts for a moment. My hyperfixations did get me very obsessed with many things...but not just things, I was also obsessive over individual people. Their personalities to be exact. I thought all of those intense feelings meant I had a crush, but it was limerence causing my brain chemicals to do a happy dance when really, I was just finding joy in someone's company. With these intense emotions, surely I wanted something physical too, right? 

Long, dark story short: NO. 

I hypothesize that all these outside and inside triggers along with the desire for love led to my development of BPD. Borderline Personality Disorder, a mental illness often inaccurately portrayed in media. Except maybe in the film "Runaway Bride". Society made me feel like if I wasn't a certain way, I must be broken, so I began borrowing from others to shape my personality. Which is probably why the "Runaway Bride" resonated with me so much when it came out in 1999. It was drilled into me that love, sex, and marriage to the opposite sex was the natural order, and if I strayed from that order I was going to be shunned!

 This lead to some....dark situations in my life. I won't go into detail, I'll just say the "me too" movement happened for legit reasons. 

Also if you are autistic you are more susceptible to people who don't have your best interests in mind. Here's a Youtube video that I find very helpful:

And lastly, let's chat about when I found my LGBTQ side during Quarantine. My BFF is aroace, so my only view of ace was through someone who lacks those romantic feelings that I had. It was a topic brought up in our conversations almost daily for a year. By that point I had had many relationships, some good and ended amicably, some ended because I didn't know up from down, and others ended because... of mental and emotional abuse. I feel like that path is very common for a lot of us. The biggest problem I had during all of those was the fact that I did not really like sex. I thought I was supposed to! Which is a good time to bring up "Runaway Bride" how do you like your eggs. Julia Roberts copying of how her fiance's liked their eggs was a great story element to link the fact that she didn't know what she liked or who she was. She does finally make all the different kinds of eggs, and finds she only liked one of them. Quarantine had become that egg scene for me.

You could say I finally figured out how I liked my eggs. I finally processed that I was ace after finding out the ace spectrum! Just because my pal is an ace of spades does not mean I'm not ace myself, I'm just an ace of a different color! Hearts.

Labels do in fact help. A LOT. It wasn't until I started exploring more about asexuality that I truly understood and embraced who I am. Discovering that being on the ace spectrum is a valid and beautiful part of my identity has brought me a sense of peace and clarity.